…it’s fun, it’s free and you can do it solo.

I’ve been sorely lacking in posts, so I figured I’d share what I have been doing with my time. Surfing the web!

  1. Passive Aggressive Notes– I’m a big fan of giving, and receiving, notes from strangers.
  2. Tuneglue Audio Maps– Easier than Pandora or last.fm for finding new music… and it’s fun to click and watch the chart expand, I probably played with this for a good 45 between classes today.
  3. Sporcle.com-Quizzes galore! The most intellectually stimulating site to make the list.
  4. Post Cards From Yo Momma– funny correspondences (emails/i.ms/postcards etc.) from parents to their kids that let us know everyone grows up to be an obnoxious, but lovable, parent.
  5. Txts From Last Night– A self-explanatory classic that I check at least once a week. I used to do it daily *that’s what she said* until I realized it kills more time to visit less often.

Now you can put off anything and everything on that to-do list, too!

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My latest part-time job is cocktailing dinner cruises. The operating procedure is simple- take drink orders, drop them off, collect payment. Last weekend, however, was different. I worked a Buddhist funeral.

Once a year, a local temple uses our boats for their services. According to one guest, the temple holds the urns of everyone cremated that year and gives the ashes a mass exodus. This year more than ten had died, making it a huge ceremony. Thus arose the first problem.

The temple’s coordinator said to expect around 80 guests. As more and more cars filled the parking lot we got worried. This particular boat only holds 150 passengers. A headcount verified that 152 had shown up. Two people too many. Thick-accents made communication difficult but eventually the fire code rules were explained. The situation made me feel for Noah, of the ark. Deciding who stays behind isn’t easy, especially when there is a language barrier. We ended up with 148 passengers and limited complaints. This was only the beginning of, what would prove to be, an interesting day.

Embarkation: A Parade of Guests, Gifts and Crabs
Each guest brought something to pay their respects. Flowers, candles, and food covered the table. Some of my coworkers were disgusted by the authentic dishes that looked nothing like the meals from Pei-Wei. But, having spent a chunk of my high school years around an Asian kitchen table, I knew this shit was good. Based on the amount of food and number of people, most looking stereotypically asianorexic, chances for leftovers were high. I was looking forward to them.

Several men, carrying the largest crates of live crabs I had ever seen, climbed on next. Unsure of the crabs’ purpose, I guessed we’d either eat them or watch a ceremonial crab dance. I later learned that live crabs had previously been banned because years prior, on a similar cruise, crabs had escaped and wreaked havoc on the ship. Part of me was hoping this would happen again, but It didn’t.

Last to board were monks. They were everything you could want in monks. Tan and bald, dressed in faded orange robes -it was like something out of a movie. One, my favorite, even spoke in Confucius-esque riddles. I really enjoy “different” people –midgets, transgenders, conjoined twins. And while real-life monks will never be as cool as biracial octuplets, I still volunteered to be their server. I greeted them, they bowed, and we started on our way.

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In a world where everything we hold dear -from friends and family to news and porn- is a mouse click away, we’ve stopped wasting time spelling and gone on acronym overload. This linguistic phenomenon of shortening everything for basic conversation is getting obnoxious, and makes us worried for future generations. Here are some acronyms we’re particularly ready to see phased out.

F.M.L (“F” My Life)

Chat Log: NoDmbBlnd and GrouchyMcGee
NoDmbBlnd: My puppy was sooo kute, then it lyke grew into a dog… FML
GrouchyMcGee: Why are we friends?

This one has spread like wild fire and needs to be extinguished. Sensationalized thanks to FMyLife.com, The phrase has become spam-filling our text inboxes, facebook walls, and conversations. While the site had good intentions, and chuckle-worthy anecdotes, it’s becoming tired. The “woe-is-me” tales are bordering on pathetic, rather than unfortunate. Life is not all sunshine, rainbows and fairy dust. Your life is not F-ed because of every inconvenient incident. There are people who are starving, living in war torn countries, and dying from incurable diseases-or all three. F.Their.L., not yours.

R.O.T.F.L.M.A.O.O.L (Rolling On The Floor Laughing My Ass Off Out Loud)

Chat Log: Fat_w_a_PH and GrouchyMcGee
Fat_w_a_PH: RoTfLmAo OL
GrouchyMcGee: …really, and you can still type like a dumbass?

While LOL is by far the most overused acronym we can think of, we’ve combined multiple versions because they’re equally ridiculous. If people did roll around in hysterical fits of laughter, psych wards would be full. And if laughing our asses off were physically possible, there are a few IBY staff members who should be looking much tighter. Simply stating “that’s funny” with a few really-s, for good measure, is all you need to qualify humor. So,, unless you’re really lol-ing, stop LOL-ing.

G.T.G. (Got To Go)

Chat Log: ImmaSnatch and AlwaysTheFriend
ImmaSnatch: His parents aren’t home, gonna get some! G2G!
AlwaysTheFriend: I gtg 2. Bye. :-(

GTG -sometimes with a clever “2” instead of the “T”- replaced kinder valedictions with instant messaging. Newsflash: B-y-e is as quick as g-t-g, and it sounds less juvenile. Aside from its overuse, GTG isn’t the nicest way to end a conversation. Would you end a phone call from your Grandmother with “Gotta Go”, we hope not. GTG is a waste of the English language. Our solution: stop the rudeness and redundancy, and switch back to bye.

B.R.B (Be Right Back)

Chat Log: Busy_B and oX2kewlXo
Busy_B: so I said her hair looked worse than Kate Gosslin …brb
oX2kewlXo: OH SNAP! k.
Busy_B: Then she said when I talk she can feel her brain cells dying. Brb.
oX2kewlXo: …do you want to just tell me this story when I see you?

When chatting via text, telling someone you’re not going to reply right away, but will return and finish the convo, makes sense. Typing BRB after every sentence is overkill. Chances are what you’re saying is only marginally better than whatever \task the other person had at hand. No one is hanging on your every word. No one will die in suspense if you don’t respond immediately. If you want consistent back and forth, use those minutes. If not, go ahead and take the time to pop your back, blow your nose, or pirate New Moon… we’ll be here.

J.K. (Just Kidding)

Chat Log: iH8u and NvrSrsly
NvrSrsly: Your clothes don’t flatter your body.
iH8u: Are you serious?
NvrSrsly: JK hahahaha

Sarcasm has been called the lowest form of wit, but we think adding JK after a sarcastic remark is even lower. If a joke isn’t apparent enough for basic comprehension, it either sucks or you need a new audience. People seem to think JK is an instant retraction for whatever ill-received statement they made. But this isn’t court; there is no striking from the record. The idea of JK isn’t the problem; it’s the abuse. The economy is down and it’s almost Oscar season, maybe now is a time to be more serious.

O.M.G. (Oh My God)

Chat Log: Don’t_Care and DrAmAqUeEen
DrAmAqUeEeN: OMG! Cops called my parents when the party got busted.
Dont_Care:
OMG! Are you in trouble?
DrAmAqUeEeN:
Grounded for the rest of the weekend. OH EMM GEEE!

Some feel the phrase OMG is insulting to their religion. We find it is more insulting to our  intelligence. Like FML, some people feel their sad life deserves an exclamation of OMG. Unlike FML, OMG seems to have become versatile enough to fit all situations- not just the crappy ones. When something really bad happens pout it out with OMG. When something really good happens holla OMG.  Having a mediocre moment, OMG is there to make it above average. The valley girl talk should stay in the 90s. Today geek is chic. In layman’s terms, OMG has GTG.

W.T.F. (What The F)

Chat Log: OldSkoolGamr and SoreLozer
OldSkoolGamr: E 10
SoreLozer: hit. …wtf.
OldSkoolGamr: F7.
SoreLozer: WTF mate?! You sunk my battleship!
OldSkoolGamr: n00b.

That “F” just loves to find its way into acronyms, and it does help them roll off the tongue rather nicely. But we are all getting sick of all those f-ers ruining phrases like WTF. When kids who haven’t even reached double digit ages yet are saying WTF , the fun is over. Abuse of an acronym with a swear word does double damage and gives off a sense of trying too hard. It’s comparable to pre-teens swearing because it’s cool. It all comes out less effective and much less cool.

I.L.Y (I Love You)

Chat Log: VrgnNoMr and Dont_Hate_the_Playa
VrgnNoMr: I’m so glad I decided to stay over last night. I love you.
Dont_Hate_the_Playa: <3
VrgnNoMr: :-(
Dont_Hate_the_Playa: …ILY?

There comes a time in romantic relationships when, among other things, the L word must be popped. The way to do this shouldn’t be via text and it certainly shouldn’t be abbreviated. Even when you’ve been lovin’ a long time, the genuine thing to do is spell it out.It is three letters, I-L-Y, versus eight letters, I-Love-You. Is it that much more difficult? We don’t think so, and we just typed both! With the days of touch screens and full keyboard phones upon us, there is no excuse for ILY.

T.T.Y.L. (Talk To You Later)

Chat Log: chxB4dx and nite.rider
nite.rider: So I know I was supposed to make sure your boyfriend stayed out of trouble at the party.
chxB4dx: yea, ur so nice
nite.rider: Well we sorta kinda hooked up.
chxB4dx: WHAT?! How do you KINDA hookup?!
nite.rider: and now I have to go to a chapter meeting. So TTYL!

If you can say something as lame as TTYL to someone you’re either considered friends or, at least, frequent acquaintances. This means that the odds of both parties speaking again are high. If you’re worried this person won’t want to talk to you again we promise adding TTYL will not help your chances. After all is said and done, using TTYL is as nonsensical as wearing a Snuggie™ – they might make you feel good, but both are unnecessary and leave you looking like an idiot.

B.T.W. (By The Way)

Chat Log: LautnerLuvr and Y.Dnt.U.Hv.A.Seat.Ovr.Thr
LautnerLuvr: BTW Do you wanna see twilight w/ me tonight?
Y.Dnt.U.Hv.A.Seat.Ovr.Thr: we saw it two days ago.
LautnerLuvr: What if I promise not to quote it anymore?
Y.Dnt.U.Hv.A.Seat.Ovr.Thr: maybe…
Y.Dnt.U.Hv.A.Seat.Ovr.Thr: BTW you can’t cry this time when she chooses between them.
LautnerLuvr: I’ll go alone. You’re lame BTW

BTW should only be used when you left off something important. After that, wrap it up. Using BTW to keep a conversation going is not cute, it looks desperate. Yelling BTW, or typing anything in caps, to relieve rage is no better. Storming off, or signing off, in anger then yelling BTW *insert rude remark here*, does not make you the bigger person. We think a good rule of thumb is this- if you have to use BTW more than three times in one conversation, consider investing in an ADD drug or getting checked for Alzheimer’s.

Forgotten Foods

Dec/2009

Food trends come and go. While they may be found on rare occasions, these foods, once in their prime, have nearly disappeared off the face of the earth- and we want them back. Sure a few were proven to be dangerous to our health, but much like Russian roulette, the risk was all part of the fun. Though no longer in our stomachs, these foods will forever be in our hearts. (originally written for IBY)
 
Jell-o Pudding Pops

Jello pudding pops

These super yummy bars of goodness are a prime example of a food fad that is often imitated but never replicated. Though they are attempting a comeback, jell-o pudding pops haven’t been at the top of their game in quite some time. These chocolate bars and vanilla bars and chocolate/vanilla swirl bars were once staples in American freezers. Today’s freezers are full of low-fat, tasteless excuses of nourishment pumped with preservatives that, in the long run, will probably do more harm to your health than pudding pops could ever do. Cold-sweet-treat lovers of the world, don’t be fooled by any lo-cal wannabe bars. If it’s not good enough for Bill Cosby, it’s not good enough for you.

Dunk-A-Roos

dunkaroos

Little crunchy cookie pieces with dipable frosting in one snack pack- hands down the best idea Betty Crocker ever had. And that broad has created some scrumptious treats over the years. Dunk-Aroos began in the late-80s and, by the mid-90s, were readily available, and were readily awesome. The cookies came in kangaroo shapes just waiting to be dipped in a puddle of flavored goodness and decapitated. The  redbulls of the 90s, Dunk-Aroos pumped children with the energy needed to go from lunch to recess. Not only did they give an awesome sugar high, they taught a very important lesson. Conservation. That tiny tub of frosting could rarely suffice all the cookies. So, if you were greedy with massive first dips, towards the end of your snacking session there would be lonely, un-iced cookies. Rarely seen in major grocery stores and even more rarely advertised, dunk-aroos have fallen off the lunch room radar. The reason remains a mystery.

Squeeze Its

Squeeze Its

Oh the nostalgia of hitting the bottle as a kid. After learning useful facts, like Pluto being a planet, getting make-believe drunk off Squeeze It juice was the best part of the week. Morally these should rank right up there with candy cigarettes, but few.never came to that realization. Squeeze Its had so many design flaws. They couldn’t be resealed. They couldn’t stand up on their own. They looked like they should be purchased in a paper bag. But they kicked Capri Sun’s ass. In the end, thirsts were quenched and clothes were stained. As far as artificial juices are concerned, Squeeze Its are second to none. (click below to read more)

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So getting paid to write is pretty cool, even if the assignments aren’t always preferable and some may not make my family overly proud, I like it. Looks like half-assed work is paying off, at least a little.

Here is what’s been published so far, with much more pending. “Top Dumb Animals…” (below) is the one that seems to be most popular to date. Which surprised me, because  I figured “Hottest Girls Who Kick Major Ass” would have been a bigger hit. Anyways, this is the list-

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Recent legal action is forcing more and more prostitutes off Craig’s List and back onto the streets, where they belong.

Can you tell the difference between the pedestrians and the street walkers, the working girls and the “working-girls”, the average joes and the straight-up-hos? Sometimes it’s harder than it seems.

NUMBER ONE

NUMBER TWO

NUMBER THREE

NUMBER FOUR

NUMBER FIVE

NUMBER SIX

NUMBER SEVEN

NUMBER EIGHT

NUMBER NINE

NUMBER TEN

You can thank me when this comes in handy on those nights when you’re driving around lost *drunk* at midnight *3a.m* after a tiring night of studying *raging*. Will you be able to differentiate between asking the partying pedestrians or their prostitute counterparts for directions? *a sloppy blow-job*

ANSWERS BELOW JUMP:

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Late night confessional 1: I love Kanye West

I’ll admit that after the VMAs so many rallied around Taylor Swift and jumped on the Anti-Kanye bandwagon,that I pretended to be a Kanye hater too. But, in all honesty, I am still a fan of not only his music but his attitude for many reasons. While it’s true Kanye West is an egocentric, dark-chocolate douche, something about that is endearing. Rather than crucify him, I am going to shrug off this latest display of jerk-tastic behavior and love Kanye that much more. So as the Kanye jokes are slowly dying down I have compiled a list to constantly remind myself  that I love Kanye West, in spite of his flaws.

1. Kanye West is black Jesus. If you’ve been living under a rock you may have missed the second coming.  In a 2003 article Kanye announced his life purpose. He was  “God’s vessel.” In the heart wrenching interview, Kanye gets *shockingly* candid and shares with us his deepest, darkest secret. “…my greatest pain in life is that I will never be able to see myself perform live.” I don’t know about you, but if I couldn’t see Kanye West preform I would probably be in great pain. Pain that I could only equate with that of child birth or a hard kick in the nuts. Yes, Jesus is back.

2. Kanye West is the new Michael Jackson. Following Michael Jackson’s shocking death, I was very concerned with who would be the next King of Pop.  I lost many nights of sleep and spent a lot of time praying for the answer. Luckily, within mere days of Jacko’s passing, my voice was heard. Praise  Black Jesus!  Kanye’s immediate reaction was not to offer condolences, because anyone can do that. He wanted to fill a void.  His first official statement following Michael’s death was this, “You know everyone loves and respects Michael but times change. It’s so sad to see Michael gone but it makes a path for a new ‘King of Pop’ and I’m willing to take that on.” My response- Amen.

3. Kanye West created our American Idol. If it weren’t for Kanye’s genius creation of “Heartless”, no one would know who Kris Allen was (he’s America’s latest of the annual idols). Kris knew that the only way to propel himself to number one was to call upon music’s lord and savior- Black Jesus. The only reason Kris Allen didn’t mimic Kanye’s own version of the song was because it is impossible to recreate. It cannot be done. Can’t do it.

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I am a huge fan of the late-night infomercial. But one evening ad, Sandwiched between an ad for “Girls Gone Wild: Barely Legal” and “The Magic Bullet”, caught my eye.  It was another gem of a product, a compilation album entitled “Midnight Fire”.

Love, love, love the title. It immediately defines the mood of this album. There is no beating around the bush. (Not until you pop in this fierce baby-making C.D, anyways.)  The ad hooked me and I did what every poor, rebellious, lazy college student does- I illegally downloaded each track.  Right away I noticed  that, not only were the songs 90s chart-toppers, most of them were either about cheating, violence or a lover scorned. All themes that are universally sexy, if your name is Chris Brown. I have  pulled some stand-out examples of the lyrical genius that is “Midnight Fire”.

“Stop the looting, stop the shooting. Pick a pocket on the corner. See as the rich is getting richer. The poorer is getting poorer”Maria, Maria by Santana

This is the first track and, upon original listen, I don’t even find the instrumentals of this song to be the proper tempo for baby making. It was too slow. If you follow the beat someone would surly be asleep before the grand finale. This is much more a song you would slit your wrists to than hook-up with your honey. The lyrics are the cherry atop this suicidal sundae. Who would want to think of looting, shooting or poverty whilst in the act? Why not just turn on the evening news rather than worry about foreplay.  It’s all much more depressing than sexy. Getting mugged…not hot.

 “I’m standing here looking in the mirror, saying “damn” to myself. I should have known the day would cometThat she would find somebody else. And all the things I took her through, Shit, I shouldn’t have lasted this long. Now I’m at this telephone booth calling Tyrone” When A Woman’s Fed Up by R.Kelly

These lyrics imply a breakup and your lover on the “downlow” with some beast named Tyrone.  Now I love Mr. Kelly as much as he loves giving minors golden showers. The man has had some amazing tracks and, as a person, he could be worse (hence the above Chris Brown reference). The beat is a step up from the first track, very typical for R&B love making music but there are three fallacies with this track: ONE.What is romantic about being left and heartbroken.  TWO.Nothing is sexy about a guy who doesn’t have a cell and has to use a pay phone. He either can’t afford one or lost his when a girl got a case of the crazies. (see Chris Brown reference again) Whatever the case may be, this is unacceptable. THREE.Who is Tyrone. He is either a secret male lover, a form of personal security, or a fellow gang member. Ladies this name is a bright- possibly flaming- ref flag. With a name like Tyrone you cannot expect roses and candles. You expect a harem of “bitches and hoes” or a smack-down. Therefore R.Kelly is at fault by association. Not sexy.


Remember that evening I knew that you were too scared to go all the way. But you did it to please me. You were crying it was raining when u gave it to meAre U Still Down by Job B.

This song title alone is enough to make me want to vomit, and bile is rarely sexy. Are “U” Still Down? This sounds like a “sext” that does not warrant even the cleverest of responses. Then come the lyrics. I have to give Jon B credit. with a title like that he was setting the bar very low. I wasn’t expecting much. Shockingly, I was left underwhelmed and slightly appalled. Knocking boots should be enjoyed by all knockers involved and, for me, this song seems to enter the gray area that is date rape. Nice try Mister “B”, but I am not a proponent of rape in any form.

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Books>Movies

Sep/2009

AKA- Hollywood will ruin I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell.

“Never judge a book by its movie.” -J.W Eagan

I’ve noticed that the movie industry has been very lazy lately. I cannot recall a time that so many unoriginal ideas were on the market. We are being inundated with remakes and sequels. (Pop Quiz: How many sequels have been made of those classic Van Wilder movies? Answer:40)

However, lately, it’s movies based on books that I’m despising the most.  As a very avid reader, I always anticipate seeing books I love come to life on the big screen. However, time and time again, I am let down. The past few years, especially, have made me almost give up on movies inspired by books all together.  I understand the industry taking the easy way out. It’s all about turning a profit. When you take a best-seller and put it on film there should be little writing involved. Everything is there for you. The story, characters and dialogue are bound and handed to you. All you need are some B-list actors on the rise and a semblance of the setting.

The past few movies I’ve seen based off novels that I read have all been letdowns for various reasons. Harry Potter, My Sister’s Keeper, The Time Traveler’s Wife– all have been full of fail. I can only assume from the previews that I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell will only add to a string of failures.

Rather than post reviews of what I have seen, I’m going to be proactive and attempt to convince myself to not spend $10 on books-turned-movies that are sure to be a waste of money. Read the rest of this entry »

Based on my long voting history, consisting entirely of the 2008 Presidential Election, I am a Republican. Whatever the reason, this time, I voted for the red team. I don’t hate Obama. I don’t feel he is Satan incarnate. I simply favored many of McCain’s policies over those of Obama.  But there is one hot-topic issue where I feel the righties may have it wrong. That issue is Universal Healthcare.

On very rare occasion, I may come across a little sexist or a little racist or even the slightest bit prejudiced. But I am not a socialist or a terrorist or a communist. I merely embrace “socially acceptable” socialism. Socialism, as a concept, seems to be getting a very bad rep lately. Much like the mentioning of Chris Brown -or Voldemort in certain circles- the word itself seems to have a very negative connotation. However, by the definition that I am referring to, socialism is “a political theory advocating state ownership of industry.” An industry we should hand over is that of health care.

Let’s compare two examples of today’s health care system at work:

“Sally Jones”  v.s.  “Machel RcKernan”

–You can read on, but haters keep on steppin’–

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